Sudden drop..

An hour left till my friends come over to my place for the steamboat and I just happen to look through the pics. WHY? Why do I have to see the pics? Now I feel a sudden drop in my heart. How I wish I didn't let you go.. How I wish I did the right thing that time.. How I wish I was there for you.. How I wish I could just hold you tight in my arms and hold your hands again.. The moment we've spent together.. The time of us was cut short.. How I wish we just had enough time.. Twice.. It happened twice where you came close to me and I backed out for dont-know-what-the-fuck reason.. I regretted on that same day.. Three times.. We did something only you-me know about three times.. The smile on your face.. The laughter.. The warmth.. The touch.. The company.. The okay-ness of everything with you.. The sound of you saying my name.. Talking with me through the day.. Staying awake for me.. Even without saying anything.. Just lying down on my bed hearing the sound of your breath through the line.. Knowing that you're still there.. Safe and sound.. Waiting for the time we can meet again..

I still remember the date we first met.. Eventhough we've known each other on the net for quite sometime but just didnt get the chance to meet each other.. The place.. Only both of us separated from the group.. The first night.. First lunch.. First ... everything.......... For 3 solid weeks I wasnt at home.. I was there with you.. Thinking back of the time I need to go back.. How hard it was.. Thinking that I can't see you for sometime....

I know I should let go but HOW CAN I when its embedded onto the veins of my brain? This is what I'm afraid of after the 'fiasco' happened where friends betrayed friends.. Tears are running down my face.. I CAN'T FUCKING LET GO! GOD DAMMIT!

I'm sorry to those who are my friends now, I can't tell you all what happened.. I'm really sorry.. Things may be a total disaster when I tell you all what happened okay? I like the way things are now, where we joked around, laughed together, talk nonsense, gossip about people, just.. being there for each other.. Things are just too awesome now.. I can't risk it by telling you guys about the truth.. I'm sorry but please let me be alright? At least for now.. I'll tell when I can handle it myself..

Thank you mommy and koko for preparing tonight.. I'll do my best to not disappoint you all.. I love you guys.. Just wait.. I won't disappoint myself..